To College, The Odyssey Writers and their Concern for Addiction

Why are you even targeting addiction and mental health so heavily? I’m pretty sure your cozy college dorms or houses are nothing like the streets or trap houses addicts go to looking to score. And do not give me this “well I’ve seen friends or I have family members” line. YOU HAVE NOT PERSONALLY BEEN TO HELL AND BACK. You haven’t been in hospitals, jails, and other institutions. Addicts have.

So now you are going to say it was our choice, but here is the fact of the matter; some people can do things that others can’t. Yes it was my choice to take the first drink of alcohol when I was an underage teenager, but you probably would have been right there beside me. The difference is you can drink alcohol and I can’t. So are you blaming people for doing something they didn’t know there would be severe consequences to? Consequences that THEY have to live with, not you, them.

Lives of addicts are hard enough without people, who have no clue what any of it’s about, bringing them down. These are human lives. Addicts have to step over enough dead bodies to reach their recovery. Why do you want to add more? They are already taken advantage of by the people that say they’re going to help them, but drain them of every penny. These people are hurting and need help.

Have you ever heard of a thing called dual diagnosis? A lot of addicts have a mental disorder they are unaware of. It drives them through so much pain they just want to escape themselves. So they pick up their addiction. I am Bipolar I and I used alcohol to manage my cycles because I didn’t know what to do. I’ve tried to kill myself four times. It miserable how much I think about suicide. My life is a fight.

I am a junior in college despite my trips to the hospital, rehab, outpatient, etc. I work part-time. I have a boyfriend. I am not some monster that needs to be put down by others. We are losing our ability to empathize, we dehumanize, and we go after another because we can. Addicts are sick. They get high to lose themselves, to runaway from the trauma, or the thoughts or whatever they struggle with. An internal struggle is still a struggle. Sorry, not sorry me and my addiction and mental illness offend you.

“You Need Help”

Word to my fellow crazy,
Family, friends, randoms, and other fuckers will all tell you, “you need help.”
Will they help you? Nah. Family and friends only know the sick you, even if they were able to provide the bulk of the help you need, it is going to be really hard for them to accept your change. In the end most likely you won’t be able to maintain your change and the cycle repeats. On to the next, psychiatrist, get ready to feel like a lab rat and pay for it. Therapist ummmm some, good some bad, find one you like, literally it’s luck. It’s a shot in the dark. Beware of idiots. Treatment centers….. Residential aka Rehab is better than the Outpatient bullshit and when I say BULLSHIT not kidding. Group therapy blows, sometimes you watch movies, sometimes you have arts and crafts like you’re five, and sometimes they have their heads so far up their assholes they don’t know what’s going on. Best part about treatment centers they take your insurance then want to take your literal soul to pay the rest. THOUSAND$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Oh Oh and let’s not forget the halfway houses that go with it. Charging you so much for rent you can never get on your feet. Always stuck. You will meet people who relapse. You will meet people who die. No one likes halfway. They say some people need it. I don’t see how.

They talk, all talk about your disease, your mental illness, funny thing is they don’t get it. All these places have too many people involved who don’t suffer from this shit. They’ve had friends or family or blah blah blah. Well fuck off. If it’s not in your head or in your brain don’t try and tell me how to act or feel or behave. People who don’t suffer like you, just hurt you more when they try to help you. Give me your empathy and support. The rest is between me and God.

Yes, I get the need for medical and other health care professionals is imperative, but why is there so much manipulative business going on around mental health diseases that take people’s lives? People look at me and may think the things I say or do are sick sometimes, but I can’t help that I’m sick. These fuckers chose to be sick and take from those who just want help. I just wanted help. I went through it all. They said it would help. I did everything I could to get help. After all this, on my birthday I tried to kill myself for a fourth time.

Alone Time

Now that I’ve finally emotionally matured enough to using my words, “I need alone time,” always yelled in a fuck off type manor, is my friend. Do I think it sounds stupid? Do I think I sound like a child? Do I care? Yep. Yep. And nope. Before I wouldn’t say a word as I was literally getting so annoyed with people I couldn’t stand them breathing. If they made the wrong noise everything they’ve ever done ever or that just in general about them that  pisses me off would flood the floor. I’m a really nice person.

In all honesty, I hate people. They blow. Obviously, they are here to stay though, stupidity, lying, and dumbassness included. And as I am told I have excellent people skills!! (Cruel joke right?). I guess that explains every politician though, they’re good at what they do and probably actually hate “their” people. It’s not hard to smile pretty and fuck someone over, we’ve all done it. Moral of story, people still blow.

I always think about it as someone started out as this huge raging giant smashing all the little people. Then when those little people become giants they smash the next set of little people and so on and so on. People act on examples and standards. We have shitty examples and standards, probably why people are acting like their cats and dogs are humans now… still weird…

I chose to sit with myself. Read. Draw. Write. Sleep. ALONE TIME. It makes the assholes in the world  seem insignificant and fleeting.

 

 

21 is Savage

Do you ever get anxiety about the stupid shit you are going to do? I physically feel nervous for things I neither want nor plan to do, but who the hell knows. May 1. It is the day that legally I can buy and consume alcohol. April 21. I just hit 8 months sober. I should *emphasis, prayer, locking me in a bedroom* hit my 9 months in May. I don’t want to be 21, I don’t want the temptation. My fakes were taken, no one I knew was going to buy me alcohol and when I was past that point and did go out, I was mentally prepared. I AM NOT CAPABLE OF BEING MENTALLY PREPARED 25/7.

I am impulsive. Literally for as smart as people tell me I am, I gotta whole lot of stupid. There are some poor judgements, lack of morals, disregard of consequences or general feelings, ideas along those lines in addition. You don’t know your future and that makes me want to break down and scream. I HATE not knowing if I’m going to go flying off into an episode like Peter Pan into f**king Neverland. I HATE picking up the pieces, all the trust I lose, and all the people I hurt. I HATE sorting through the bullshit of mental lows, highs, and the me I’m trying to become. Sometimes drowning the shell of yourself in tequila then lighting a match to it all seems so much better. I’d rather burn in flames than in desires to be different.

Hi my name…

Hi my name is Ellie Rose,

Hi my name is Ellie Rose,

I love to lay in the sunshine,

I love to gaze at the stars in the night sky,

I bounce of walls with energy,

I climb into bed like a sloth,

I sleep for minutes at a time,

I sleep for days at a time,

I’m always sweating,

I’m always bone cold,

I like people,

I hate people,

I enjoy company — I need it,

I need to be alone,

Sometimes I just need a hug,

Don’t ever touch me,

I am going to conquer the world,

It’s amazing if I shower,

My glass is half full,

My glass is half empty,

I can’t cry if i tried,

I can’t hold back the tears,

I like to make you laugh so we don’t have to be serious,

Sarcasm is my defense mechanism,

I’ll do anything on a dare,

It’s amazing if I have the energy to roll my eyes at you,

I avoid the doctor,

I think every migraine is a brain tumor,

I write about seeking the light,

I write about fading into the darkness,

I love exercise,

I love donuts,

I want to runaway,

I want to curl into a ball and hide,

I’m okay.

I’m okay.

Hi our name is Ellie Rose.

We are not okay.

12 Pills

Fact: Walgreens calls more than my own mother, father, or any close friend. Frequently I find myself deleting a voicemail box of only Walgreens’ lovely automated curtosey calls. Let’s not forget the emails, always on time and consistent. It is safe to say things between us are getting serious. Most stable relationship I’ve ever had.

Pink pills, blue pills, yellow pills, half color this half color that pill, oh all my pills, pills, pills. And that doesn’t even begin to touch the tablets…

I’m 20 and take 12 pills a day. I know there are people out there that take more or less, it’s not about comparing. Sometimes I take my set of pills out of my medicine box and just stare. What am I putting into my body? Are the pills working? Am I finally working?

When someone tries to tell me nothing is wrong with me, I think of my hand of pills. Well I take those pills for a reason, right? Oh and just because I take them doesn’t mean they solve the problem. There are always new pills or back to the old, high dose or low dose, or that time or this time. I am a lab rat.

Sometimes you just want to go back to the beginning. Clean slate. Flush those pills and go cold turkey. Literally, F**k them. Yeah the lows sucks, the middle is the middle, but the high. I miss the euphoric feeling, I was light as air, I could do anything. I miss the adrenaline. I was a junky looking for my next thrill. I felt happy, I felt good, I liked being me for once. I always wished the mania would take me out, led me fade into the eternal black at least with the idea of happiness.

I am trying to be stable. I am trying to function. I take my pills. In all honesty, I don’t really know for what or why. I guess I do it to stop hurting people.