I feel like the before and after on one of those extreme makeover shows. The difference is changes in my appearance are slight. It’s the change in me. The other day I went to see my psychiatrist. Our appointments use to be so bad that he made me bring my parents in because I refused to talk. The other day he told me I had changed. I simply replied “I know.” He said, “you don’t ask how or in what way.”I didn’t need to.
As much as I think treatment for those with mental illness is scam, it did provide me with one thing. I got away. I got away from all the people in my life that as me and my best friend call it “sucked.” I’m not saying these people sucked all the time, but when they did it was like stabbing someone bleeding on the floor. When someone who is in no way better, prettier, smarter, more fun, whatever it may be constantly tries to belittle you, it comes to a point you tell them to F**k off or you let it start to eat at you. My whole life had been a revolving door of letting these assholes in. I already hated myself enough that I wasn’t going to do anything about it. So for years I acted like the grumpy bitch, when actually I’d been stabbed so much I was dying inside. If this was how people were and this was how life felt (undiagnosed) then why would people ever want to live it? You’re born, you make mistakes, you screw up other people’s lives, and you die. I didn’t want to be apart of it. I didn’t want to “suck” too.
When I went away after the severe anxiety and crying, I took a breathe and realized it’s just me. I could completely isolate if I wanted to, who was going to stop me? I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I avoided. I am avoiding. Without even knowing it, I put my mask back on and tried to fool the world. This time was different. As I was pushed and pushed and pushed, I didn’t care enough anymore. Cool, calm, and collected I shared my morbid thoughts and struggle. “Such a beautiful girl shouldn’t think like that, she shouldn’t be like that.” Please stop telling me I’m too pretty to kill myself. My outside appearance will not save my life.
What’s saving MY life? Prayer.I moved away. I kept journals.Meditation.Reading.I tried newthings.Therapy.Working.Music.Yoga.Ocean.Beach.Friends.School.Sunshine.Laughing.Forgivness.Humility.Thankfulness. And Endless Love.
Working to change a lot of the parts of yourself, you just thought would never change is grueling. No one wants to open up or get vulnerable. No one wants to hit rock bottom. Coming home after 9 months, all your friends and family can only say is this the best you’ve ever been. They see the change you thought was just internal. They didn’t even know that you had taken some time and space for yourself. They just say that I look great. Yes, I appreciate the compliments, but they don’t make a difference. The only difference that matters is the change in me.